This blows. We’re one week into the new college football season and I’m already a game behind Nolen, Shannon and a bunch of Saturday morning coffee drinkers, practically none of whom know the difference between the Southeastern Conference and a cold Nor’easter. 

“Ah, but I’ll catch them now!” I said to myself this morning when I sat down to study this weekend’s SEC schedule. 

I know most of the coffee drinkers are Auburn fans and I’ve got a feeling Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen’s first-ever (and much needed) “signature win” is coming, so there’s one in the plus column for me this week. And my old college roommate in Texas assures me A&M has no shot to knock off Florida, so there’s another game I stand to gain, since I suspect Nolen has a secret affinity for the Aggies that will adversely affect his judgment. (Nolen wears a lot of maroon and makes the “gig ‘em” sign with his fingers every time he successfully belches the entire alphabet—which is more often than you might think.) 

Too much? Anyway, I know Shannon has an aversion to picking any team whose head coach has ever been caught in a compromising position with a room-full of high-priced “professional cheerleaders,” so my pick of UTEP (head coach: Mike Price of “I’m rolling baby, I’m rolling!” fame) over Ole Miss should help propel me into the lead next week, assuming I ever get asked back on the End Zone show after host Kurt Duryea sees the last two paragraphs. 

Auburn @ Miss. State – Will someone please tell Auburn defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder that 1982 called and wants its hair and moustache back? Wow. Anyway, last week the Tigers missed multiple red zone opportunities and a skating rink-full of tackles. I think Dan Mullen’s Bulldogs will “drop a bomb” on the Tigers and secure the signature win he has been looking for. Gene Chizik’s team can’t afford to go 0-2, but … 23-21 MISS. STATE 

Florida @ Texas A&M – “You’ve been annexed by Aggie Nation” read the billboard that went up in downtown Gainesville earlier this week. That’s big talk from fans of a football team that couldn’t find a way to finish a game a year ago. I fear more of the same this Saturday. ESPN College Game Day will be on-hand to hype what I think will be a great first effort for the wide-open offense of the SEC’s newest member. Too bad the Aggie defense won’t be able to slow down Florida running back Mike Gillislee. 30-26 FLORIDA 

Georgia @ Missouri – Figure on a fairly high score for Missouri’s first-ever game as a member of the SEC (and its first home sellout since the Tigers hosted Penn State in 1980). Missouri’s O-line is a little banged up and Georgia’s front seven is massive and mean. But the Bulldog secondary is suspect, so if Mizzou quarterback James Franklin can quickly find a few open receivers this one could go bad for the No. 7 team in the nation. One of the SEC’s two newcomers wins this Saturday? You heard it here first. 34-31 MISSOURI 

Alabama @ Western Kentucky – For the 47^th time overall – 16^th under Nick Saban – the Tide is the No. 1 team in the country in the AP poll. I figure Alabama’s third-string “D” will see plenty of action in the fourth quarter Saturday, which is the reason I’m thinking the Hilltoppers might accidentally find the end zone late. 42-7 ALABAMA 

UTEP @ Ole Miss – Mike Price’s Miners are coming off a closer-than-it-sounds 24-7 loss to Oklahoma and have never captured a road win over a team from a BCS conference in 16 tries. That changes Saturday. I think UTEP was shut down a week ago by a superior defense, and Ole Miss doesn’t have one of those. I’d much rather pick this one using the point spread (Rebels -7.5) but I’m still OK with taking the underdog outright. 25-21 UTEP 

UT-Chattanooga @ JSU – JSU coach Jack Crowe will finally find out how good his defense is this week against the Moccasins. Last year, it wasn’t very impressive in a 38-17 loss in Chattanooga. Gamecock fans are hoping for a little more defense AND a little more offense this year at Burgess-Snow Field. I think the game will be closer this time around, thanks to JSU’s Washaun Ealey and Marquis Ivory. Still, I fear their contributions won’t be enough to win in the end. 30-28 UT-CHATTANOOGA 

Vandy @ Northwestern – Solely because of the quality of coach James Franklin, I think the Commodores find a way to win a close one. 27-24 VANDY 

ECU @ South Carolina – East Carolina has big-play ability in all three phases of the game, but that will make it a threat in Conference USA, not against a top-quality SEC opponent, which the Gamecocks will be considered until later in the season when I suspect they will prove otherwise. 30-13 SOUTH CAROLINA 

Georgia State @ Tennessee – The Vols whipped N.C. State last week much worse than the 35-21 score indicated (and screwed up my week one picks in the process). It was an impressive win and Tennessee gets another tune-up this week against lowly punching bag Georgia State. 45-10 VOLS 

Washington @ LSU – The Tigers racked up over 260 yards on the ground last week and figure to accomplish more of the same come Saturday. LSU is the better team in this game, and it’s being played in Baton Rouge. What else am I supposed to do here? 24-10 LSU 

ULM @ Arkansas – The Warhawks begin their 2012 season with a big, fat “L”, courtesy of the Razorbacks. 35-3 ARKANSAS 

Season picks: 

Scott Wright (The Post), 11-1

Nolen Sanford (WEIS Radio), 12-0

Shannon Fagan (Herald), 12-0