By Tim Sanders

This column is for you men out there. If you’ve already wrapped your Christmas presents, this will explain to you what you’ve done wrong, and may prove useful next year. As to you women, you need no help wrapping Christmas presents–that ability is buried deep in your genetic code, and has been accessible to you since birth.

I’ve struggled with wrapping presents for years, and have not made much progress. My wife has tried to give me advice, and has even demonstrated the process for me several times. She makes it look very easy, but when I get ready to wrap on my own, things just fall apart.

Here is what little I do know:

1. While it would be the ultimate in practical gift wrapping, a Hefty bag with a decorative twist tie on top will not impress your wife.

2. Have a good, healthy snort of egg nog to fortify yourself. Now, somewhere in your house there is a large cardboard box filled with rolls of wrapping paper. If you have a choice, go for something with candy canes and Santas on it rather than, for instance, pink baby booties.

3. Remember that women like to roll up what’s left of old rolls of wrapping paper and put them inside that cardboard cylinder the new paper is rolled around. This means that when you extract what you think is one roll, that roll will give birth to between one and fourteen partial rolls, which will fall out of it and get all loose so that they won’t fit back in again. When this happens, do not panic. Throw the leftover paper out. She won’t notice.

4. Place the gift box in the center of a large piece of wrapping paper (take it from me, it makes no difference whether the gift is large or small, you’ll still need a large piece of wrapping paper).

5. Make sure that the wrapping paper and the gift are on a table, not on the floor or on the hood of your pickup truck. [NOTE: Never, ever try to wrap a gift on your lap. The combination of scissors, tape and laps is a recipe for disaster.]

6. Double check to make sure that the wrapping paper is lying on the table with the decorative side down.

7. Step back and survey your work so far. Have another shot of egg nog. You may want to add more rum.

8. Go fetch the scissors and that roll of Scotch tape. You will also need that old box of recycled bows and some ribbons. Leave the ribbons on the rolls until you’ve wrapped your gift. If you think unrolled wrapping paper all over the floor is a mess, you have no idea what you’ll be up against with a mass of ribbons coiled around your feet like so many festive little holiday snakes.

9. If all of this is making your head hurt, have some more nog.

10. Starting on the right side of your gift, fold the wrapping paper up, and then down over the top. Cut off whatever is left over. Do the same with the left side. Now you will have at least two pieces of leftover wrapping paper, which you will need to cover rips and tears when things go bad.

11. Get some tape. Use two hands, holding your wrapping paper in place with your left elbow. (Trying to manipulate that tape dispenser with just one hand always results in a nasty little piece of tape wrapped tightly around your index finger, where it does you no good at all.)

12. IMPORTANT TAPE WARNING: Regardless of what your wife may have advised, you cannot put small pieces of tape on all ten fingers so that they will be readily available when you need them. I tried this several years ago, and wound up stuck to the basement wall for nearly an hour.

13. Hold the tape firmly between your thumb and index finger, while you fold that wrapping paper back around the box again. When it’s about where it was when your elbow slipped, stick the tape on. Use a lot of tape to avoid any more slippage.

14. Do the same with the other side. Now, if you look at your half-wrapped gift you will notice that the other two ends are still open. You will have to do something about that.

15. Study the situation while you have some more egg nog. Now that it’s too late, that Wal-Mart gift certificate idea is starting to look really good to you, isn’t it?

16. If those open ends are several times longer than the box itself, cut off the excess wrapping paper. Make sure to leave enough to cover the ends of the box. Save the leftovers for future use. Now what?

17. Study the situation again. Add more rum to the egg nog.

18. AHA! Fold the open ends so they resemble the back of an envelope. Don’t ask me how, just remember that your wife can do it, and she’s probably not that much brighter than you are.

19. Tape everything vigorously.

20. Cut off any excess wrapping paper. Have some more rum–er, nog. Now you’re getting into the spirit of the thing. Wrapping isn’t really all that hard, as long as you are willing to lower your expectations.

21. Select a roll of ribbon. It should either match or not match your wrapping paper, I forget which. Measure off enough to go all the way around your gift twice. (If the gift is a foot long, for example, cut about eighteen feet of ribbon. That way you can allow for expansion.)

22. Wrap the ribbon around your gift the same way you’d wrap a piece of twine around a crate. Crisscross it. Tie a nice little knot on top. If you can’t do a trucker’s hitch, a square knot will do. Cinch it tight, tape it to the gift enthusiastically, then cut off what’s left of the ribbon. The package will look neater that way. Women admire neatness.

23. Now go find a bow. Don’t worry about the color, bows don’t need to match anything.

24. More rum.

25. Roll up a small piece of tape. Wasn’t that fun? Now do it again, only this time roll it with the sticky side out. Stick the tape roll onto the bottom of that stupid bow, and then apply the bow forcefully to the top of the present, where your ribbon crisscrosses.

25. Trim up all those loose ends and jagged parts with your scissors. Cut whatever pieces you need from the leftover paper to cover any holes or tears. Tape everything one more time, just to be safe; there is no such thing as too much tape. If the gift is an electronic device, shake the package briskly to make sure you haven’t broken anything. If it is underwear or socks, this is probably unnecessary.

Finally–and this is the most important part–take the page containing this column, fold it neatly, and place it in your file cabinet. Next December you can get it out, study it carefully, and wrap fish in it.