By Tim Sanders

PREAMBLE:
Here we are again, using the popular Q and A format to present our readers with holiday information which is dubious at best. But we do not apologize, because while we may well be spectacularly unqualified to answer your Christmas questions, we are the only columnist in northeast Alabama with the whole-hearted endorsement of that font of wisdom, paragon of virtue, and inspiration to Twinkie gobbling Peg Bundys everywhere, Oprah Winfrey. Yes, Oprah would be the first to tell you that our fingers are dipped in the varnish of truth, our tongue is coated with the neat’s-foot oil of eloquence, and our keyboard is really sticky.

ACTUAL AMBLE:

Q: If your tongue is coated with neat’s foot oil, just what is a "neat?"

A: We will only answer Christmas questions.
 

Q: All right then, if you were to find a "neat" in your yard on Christmas morning, what would it look like?

A: That’s better. It would look very tidy. And it would have oily feet. And possibly antlers.
 

Q: How do we know that there were three wise men who followed the Christmas star?

A: We infer that information from the song "We Three Kings," in which one of the wise men–I believe it was Shadrack–clearly states that there were three of them who are, or were, following yonder star.
 

Q: So apparently you know their names?

A: Yes we do. Their names were Shadrack, Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
 

Q: That sounds like four names.

A: Shadrack may have been a wise man, but he was no mathematician.
 

Q: How do you know so much about the wise men?

A: I met them in a Christmas play when I was in grade school. Had I been taller I could have been a wise man myself. But I had to settle for playing a lowly shepherd watching his flock, which consisted of two cardboard sheep with cotton balls taped to one side, by night.

Q: Do we always have to don our gay apparel before we deck our halls?

A: If it will help our Nielsen ratings, then yes.
 

Q: I have a Jewish friend, Sven Johannsen, who did not mind getting Christmas gifts from me in the past. Now, because of our society’s moribund obsession with diversity and political correctness, I’m not sure what I should do. Can you think of a holiday gift that would not be offensive to a Jewish person?

A: I’m glad you asked. I believe the perfect multi-cultural Christmas gift is at last on the market. This is a real gift, which can be purchased online from www.TraditionsJewishGifts.com for a paltry $19.95. It’s a Passover Plagues Bowling Set, with hand painted wooden pins representing the 10 plagues of Egypt. The ad says "This Can Be Fun For The Whole Family!" What a delight it would be to see grandma toss one of those little wooden bowling balls across the kitchen floor in hopes of smiting all ten plagues with one mighty stroke. "Oy gevalt, I left myself a nasty locust and boils pin split!"

Q: What is the Nutcracker Suite, anyhow?

A: I don’t know, but if I were you I’d find another hotel.

Q: My wife and I watched the Chevy Chase movie "Christmas Vacation" the other night. We really liked the part about the cat which was electrocuted chewing on the light cord and also when Uncle Louie lit his cigar in that room full of sewer gas. But the part where the entire family, including kids, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even Snots the dog were scared to death by a squirrel was silly. What’s so scary about a squirrel?

A: We do not know. Perhaps the squirrel was rabid. Or maybe squirrels are just deeply symbolic animal metaphors, like those frightful wintery lizards, or the goats of Christmas past.

Q: You mean "blizzards" and "ghosts," don’t you?

A: Hey, this is my column, you ... you chattering chipmunk, you!
 

Q: Funny you should mention that. I’ve seen a lot of Christmases come and go, and one of my favorite family traditions is when everyone gathers around the stereo while Mom puts that old 45 on the turntable and plays that wonderful and inspirational Christmas carol, "Christmas Don’t be Late," by David Seville and the Chipmunks. But I’ve been thinking about it, and when we had chipmunks in our attic, not a one of them could carry a tune, let alone harmonize. My question is, were those actual chipmunks singing that song, or was my cousin Orlo right when he said it was the Bee Gees?

A: Orlo was wrong. The Bee Gees auditioned for David Seville, but their voices were too high.

Q: So what were the Bee Gees’ real names?

A: The group was comprised of Barry Gibb and his brothers, Alvin and Simon.
 

Q: What is yuletide?

A: "Yule" denotes the Christmas season. "YULETIDE" is a popular cheer often heard in the vicinity of Tuscaloosa’s Bryant-Denny Stadium on Christmas Eve.
 

Q: Are you absolutely sure that Oprah wholeheartedly endorses your column, or was that a joke?

A: We might joke around about minor cultural icons like the shepherds, the wise men, or even the Chipmunks, but we’d never joke around about Oprah. Nobody jokes about Oprah.

Q: If you spell Oprah’s name backwards, what do you get?

A: We won’t tempt fate by fooling around with Oprah’s name. Just last week a man was standing on a Pittsburgh street corner, minding his own business, when he suddenly shouted "HARPO!," dropped his bottle of vanilla extract, and stepped into the street. Bystanders heard him exclaim "WELL I’LL BE DA–" just before the bus hit him. Coincidence? We don’t think so. If you want a non-lethal Christmas anagram, Noel spelled backwards is Leon. Try using that in the song, and you’ll see it gives the thing a whole new flavor.

If you missed the chance to send in Christmas questions, be of good cheer. Easter will be here in no time at all, and you’d be surprised at how much we know about eggs. And to my Auburn friends out there, "YULE-EAGLE!”