Road Apples
Nov. 9, 2009


 Answering your questions at the grammar workshop

By Tim Sanders

Regardless of what you may have heard, good grammar is essential. It has been statistically proven that in later life, students who’ve learned how to diagram sentences and understand the difference between a past participle and a passed kidney stone will be much more successful when communicating with other professionals standing in line at the unemployment office.

The following questions were eagerly submitted by actual people with very serious concerns about their own grammatical shortcomings. Many of those people were heavily medicated at the time:


Q: My 12-year-old granddaughter is always saying that this, that, or the other thing is “the diggity bomb.” Just what in the name of George Jones and all that’s holy is she talking about?

A: The diggity bomb is used by exterminators to rid your house of diggities. It is very toxic, and should only be used by trained professionals.


Q: So like I read this in my 8th grade history book that has millions of pages of old skool stuff from my parents day, and also tells about some totally awesome historical people like the Marx Brothers who started communism and Madonna who was like a virgin way up until she was like nine. So like this is what I read in the Oprah Winfrey chapter: “In 1995 the CBS studio was completely refurnished due to Oprah’s largesse.” What does “largesse” mean?

A: Largesse is an old Middle English word used by the ancient Angles and Sacks who lived in the Middle of England. It denotes a huge posterior, or as you youngsters like to call it, “junk in the trunk.” We are surprised your textbook called attention to Oprah’s largesse, but it would certainly explain the need for wider, more heavily reinforced furniture.


Q: Last week I heard Bill Clinton say “Hillary and I’ve been married for 34 years now, and I don’t regret a single day of it.” Do you believe that?

A: Yes I do believe it. He later explained that the single day he didn’t regret was July 7, 1982. He said he and his favorite Krispy Kreme waitress, Brenda, took a box of doughnuts and went skinny-dipping that day.


Q: What does “Our administration created or saved 645,000 jobs this year” mean?

A: It means the same as “I personally either built or at least did not totally demolish three homes last month.” It contains a nonsensical phrase modified by the invertebrate “OR,” which confuses the reader and makes him believe he is either having a stroke or not.


Q: What’s the difference between a hyphen and a dash?

A: A really long hyphen is a dash. A really long dash, on the other hand, is usually about 400 yards.


Q: So if I want to indicate a sudden stop in thought when I’m writing, should I use a hyphen or a dash?

A: Probably.


Q: How about when my email sentence is moving along at a brisk pace, and then suddenly the cat uses my leg as a scratching post and I have to correct the situation immediately?

A: In that case we would recommend the dash, as in: “We sent the payment four days ago, Mr. DeGroot, and if you check your records you will find–HOLY CRAP, EMILY, TURN LOOSE OF MY LEG!” (After you have dashed to the back door and punted Emily into the rosebush, you will probably want to explain to Mr. DeGroot that Emily is your cat, not your wife.)


Q: Which is correct, “I could care less” or “I couldn’t care less?”

A: I couldn’t care less. And I mean that sincerely.


Q: Yesterday I told Momma I thought me and Lucille and all the children except for Buddy had the stomach virus, and she said “Hit’s an ill wind that blows nobody no good.” What did she mean by that, and since we was on the phone at the time, how did she know about the wind?

A: We suspect she may have heard something.


Q: I keep hearing politicians and other salesmen say, “Let me be perfectly frank.” Why do they say that, and where did the saying come from?

A: This phrase is used when the speaker needs more time to make something up. In Ancient Rome, the senators always used their own names, as in “Let me be perfectly Gaius,” or “Let me be perfectly Lucius.” Pope Innocuous III used to start his 10th Century formal papal bulls by saying, “Let me be perfectly Pope.”
 

Q: What is a formal papal bull?

A: I believe it is like your regular, everyday, casual bull, except it gets to wear a beanie and a nice, stylish dress.


Q: Granny she said “Saturday week it will be a year sincet I was takened sick and went up under the doctor.” Does that sound correct?

A: We here at the grammar workshop do not answer questions involving medical ethics.


That is all for this week. By the way, to those of you who wrote asking if the administration at the Mannerly Man Institute and I were in cahoots, I can honestly say that I’ve never owned a cahoot, and certainly never worn one.