Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Oct. 24, 2011

Ingrish are spooken hear

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Translations are often messy. When President Kennedy visited West Berlin in 1963, he told an enthusiastic crowd “Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’.” That tricky article “ein,” however, turned “I am a Berliner” into “I am a jelly doughnut.” Fortunately, the Germans were so charmed by an American president with the courage to admit to being a jelly doughnut that they applauded wildly.

Future presidents were impressed by Kennedy’s success with his jelly doughnut remark. In hopes of endearing himself to the Israelis, in 1975 President Ford told a group of Hasidic Jews, “Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is ‘I am a kosher motzah ball.’” Not to be outdone, in his 1978 trip to Africa, President Carter smiled sweetly and told the people of the Congo, “I am a fluffy chocolate macaroon.” Neither remark had the desired effect.

And when foreigners try to translate their thoughts into English, the results are often equally goofy. In his book “Anguished English,” Richard Lederer listed several odd signs from various countries, each attempting to offer valuable information to English-speaking tourists. Here are some of my favorites:


• “Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.” This sign, above a Hong Kong dentist’s office, possibly indicated that, unlike the Presbyterian dentist next door, this Methodist dentist is now, as the Chinese would say, "passing the gas of laughter."

• One of the best examples of linguistic acrobatics was posted at a Tokyo car rental firm: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.” I’d hate to be a pedestrian in Tokyo, constantly in fear of being tootled.

• A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel room proudly announced: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.” I am not sure what that one meant, but if one were in Yugoslavia and just had to have his underwear flattened with pleasure, that would have been the place to go.

• And there was one sign, near a Belgrade elevator, which read “To move the cabin, push button to wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.” That one is so convoluted, it might well have been written by a United States Congressional Committee.


Lederer’s book was first published in 1987, and things haven’t really improved since then. Our language still confuses millions of people, and not all of them live in this country. Many folks have emailed photos of English signs from Asian countries, and here are some I’ve selected for their imaginative use of our language:


• “DO NOT LITTLE!” is posted, in forceful capital letters on a Japanese street. It probably does not mean “Do much!” I think it only means “Do not litter!”

• “MIND CROTCH” is a Chinese warning sign showing the upper torso of a stick figure below a flat line. I’m not sure what it means, but “mind crotch” has always seemed like a good idea to me.

• “CAREFULLY SLIP AND FALL DOWN” is posted in Beijing, warning tourists that if they are determined to slip and fall down, they should do so carefully.

• Another Beijing sign, this one posted above a building during the 2008 Olympics, said “WELCOM TURIST WE SPIK INGLISH.”

• “THROW YOARE HANDICRIPPLES DOWN STARES HERE.” I believe this Chinese sign had something to do with a wheelchair ramp.

• “WARNING: Don’t jumping in elevator. If you do it, it’s gonna be stop. And you must be locked up.” How do you say “I believe I’ll take the stairs” in Chinese?

• “TO TAKE NOTICE OF SAFE THE SLIPPERY ARE VERY CRAFTY” is a cautionary sign in a Beijing garage. It may refer to grease on the floor, or possibly just say something about the employees.

• And we wouldn’t be a bit surprised to learn that the same garage had installed a machine in their bathroom bearing the sign: “Attention: Because I do not have a tissue always ready in this restroom, please buy used one.” Er ... thanks, but no thanks.

• Above stereo equipment in a Beijing store: “Please don’t touch yourself. Let us help you to try out.” Thinking about that one will give you a headache.

• “TRANSLATE SERVER ERROR” appeared on a large banner above a Beijing restaurant. It was probably printed in haste before the 2008 Olympic Games, and was obviously not the desired computer-generated name of an eatery.

• “This freezer is out of control!” I’m not sure where this photo is from, but I think Stephen King could make a great horror movie out of it.

• “If you are stolen, call the police at once.” You have no idea how many valuable exotic parrots are recovered this way.

• “NOKIA: connocting poopie.” Whatever this Japanese sign meant, I doubt that it helped Nokia’s sales.

• And speaking of “connocting poopie,” a sign in front of a cage at a Chinese zoo says: “The monkey offends somebody. Please do not approach.” It doesn’t say just who it is the monkey offends, but makes it clear that the monkey in question will probably “connoct” a handful of “something” and offend somebody else if given a good, clear shot.

• And finally, this sign, in a bar in Toyohashi, Japan, shows what the Japanese can do with the English language when they put their minds to it. And when they’ve had a few beers. “!!WARNING!! Put the chewing gum eats for myself in the garbage box surely oneself. Do not vomit to the floor, never throw away, never join to the stage, and never rub against the wall.”