By Tim Sanders

In this brave new world of instant communication, we need to remember that the information superhighway is paved with good grammar, and the road signs on that highway are composed of words. If we fail to understand those words, we will quickly find ourselves on the off ramp to some desolate hick town which has neither gas, food, nor lodging, simply because we misread the signs. I’m sure I could get a few more miles out of that metaphor, but I already have a splitting headache. So I’ll just add that words are important, and it behooves us, as proud American citizens, to encourage our nation’s children to pay close attention in school, apply themselves, read at least fourteen great American novels, and familiarize themselves with the language which binds the fabric of our culture together, Spanish.
 

Q: Spanish?

A: I was only kidding, sort of.
 

Q: Then what does "behoove" mean?

A: That’s an excellent question. Many people believe that "behoove" always refers to horses, but they are wrong. As humans, we should behoove ourselves on a regular basis.
 

Q: Could you explain that?

A: Perhaps the following sentence will help: "I took Momma to the shoe department to have her behooved, and then to the hat department to have her beheaded, after which she looked real good for a woman her age except for them there chin whiskers."

Q: My cousin Slim he says that Middle Easterners put turbines on their heads. Is that right, or has he been sniffing gas fumes straight from the can again?

A: The answer is that the English language is never static, always vibrant, always changing, and new words are constantly working their way into our national lexicon. The word "turbine," for example, denotes "a rotary engine which extracts energy from a fluid flow," but the turbine your cousin refers to, which is "a cloth headdress worn by Middle Easterners," is actually a "turban," not a "turbine." When Slim refers to "turbans," he’s using a homophone.

Q: I can’t make heads or tails out of what you just said, but I do know Slim and me we both got our phones at WalMart. Should I take mine back?

A: That is purely a matter of personal preference.
 

Q: My wife Evelyn said that the girl I was talking to at the party, that blonde with the little, bitty tank top and that really short skirt which I didn’t hardly notice at all, was "a bimbo." I told Evelyn that might be true, but that bimbo sure knew a lot about Hoyle’s Big Bang theory and our ever expanding universe. Evelyn said that was a moot point. What is a "moot," anyway?

A: A "moot" is a person who cannot speak, like for example a "mime." If you should happen to run into that young lady at another party, we’d advise you to remain moot, just to keep your wife happy.
 

Q: Our teacher told us that Julius Caesar said he ate two brootays before he died. What is a brootay, and what does that have to do with anything?

A: My colleagues and I do not know what brootays are, but we all agree that teachers say lots of goofy things. Stress causes it.
 

Q: Who are your colleagues?

A: I refer to my dachshund, Maggie, and her imaginary friends, the flying tomcats from Hell, who often leap on her tail while she’s lying on the carpet, snoozing.
 

Q: Oh. So what did Caesar die of?

A: Caesar was stabbed in the forum, which in those primitive times was almost always fatal.
 

Q: My cousin Neva she took a salad fork and stabbed her second husband, Cecil, right behind the futon, and they still had six more children. The two oldest ones have teeth, now. What do you think of that?

A: I’m not surprised.

Q: Can you use the phrase "casting aspersions" in a sentence?

A: Here’s an actual transcript from a Dalton, Georgia court case: "Your honor, I told Kyle he was a moron for using a top water lure, and he said I should stop casting aspersions. I told him I was only casting rubber worms, but I could cast anything I darn well wanted, since it was my boat and my tackle box. And then he called me an idiot, and one thing led to another, and somehow he got that there treble hook casted up his nose, through no fault of my own."
 

Q: Is that true?

A: Mostly.

Q: The FFA teacher told us we should expose ourselves to new educational experiences, and so I told him I was going to expose myself to my grandma’s garden club next week. He told me I should rephrase that. Why?

A: We do not know, but we suspect you may be related to that aspersion caster from Georgia.

Q: I saw this sign in a motel in Kokomo, Indiana: "Pet owners are responsible for bagging and disposing of their own poop." Is that grammatically correct?

A: In Kokomo, Indiana, yes.
 

Q: At work, my boss is always saying "everybody needs to be on the same page." What does he mean by that?

A: If he is a regular business person, he is probably referring to either an employee list or the roster for the office softball team. If he’s a congressperson, he means something altogether different, which we won’t discuss here.

Q: Whenever I tell my brother Buck I can do something just as good as he can, like for instance arm wrestle or rebuild a carburetor, he tells me "put your money where your mouth is." That always annoys me. Who came up with that stupid saying, anyhow?

A: Dentists.
 

Q: What is your position on Dawn Herb, the West Scranton, Pennsylvania woman who, according to the October 16th Scranton Times Tribune, was recently arrested for swearing at her overflowing toilet?

A: I always stand behind women swearing at overflowing toilets. Way behind.
 

Q: So how about this ad, which appeared in an unnamed small town weekly paper? "FREE: Short-haired puppy. Perfect for an older person with his distemper shots, no worms and a cropped tail."

A: I’m in favor of all senior citizens getting their shots and being wormed. As to cropping their tails, I’ll have to think about that.
 

Q: It’s time for us to winterize our cars. My question is, have you ever summarized your car?

A: Yes: Tail pipes, seats, steering wheel, windshield, engine under hood, four tires. Moves along very slowly at first, finally gains speed, at the end the hero rides off into the sunset. [NOTE: In the interest of full disclosure, portions of this summary were stolen directly from the Cliffs Notes Toyota Study Guide.]

If you have questions concerning grammar, sentence structure, or do-it-yourself dentistry, don’t hesitate to send them in. Please include the customary $2 handling fee. If you’d like for us to read them after handling them, an extra $5 wouldn’t hurt.