By Tim Sanders

[This column first appeared on July 15, 2002. By which we don't mean it just magically appeared; we mean it was first published in The Post on July 15, 2002.]

Last week we discussed a variety of Southern words and phrases with which transplanted Yankees need to familiarize themselves if they are to function in Southern society without sounding like absolute blockheads. Due to the overwhelmingly favorable response to that column (only eight complaints and not a single death threat), this week’s column will present a number of colorful Southern phrases which display both the eccentricity and the beauty of the Southern dialect.

Here are some simple Southern phrases which you Yankees can learn at home and practice. In time, you will be able to venture out in public and work a few of them into your conversations. They even make sense. Sort of.

1. It’s so hot, the trees are bribing the dogs - This will work in almost any situation. Yankees can handle discussing vegetation, canines, and meteorology.

2. It’s hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch - Another all-purpose weather phrase. This one will work equally well at the Rotary Club, during a Methodist covered dish dinner, or at a PTA meeting.

3. She’s pretty as a speckled pup - This versatile phrase may be applied to newborn babies, girlfriends, or bass boats which belong to the person being addressed. Oddly enough, it does not work well with speckled pups.

4. She’s ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm - Applicable to newborn babies, girlfriends, bass boats, or even speckled pups, but only those belonging to a third party not present.

5. I’ll slap you so hard your clothes will be out of style when you stop rolling - Go ahead and try this one, but be careful to limit its use to members of your immediate family, pets, network newscasters, and retail sales personnel.

6. I’ve been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor - This is the kind of phrase which eloquently explains to Reverend Smoot why you weren’t at last week’s Wednesday evening service.

7. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines - I used to think that this was Southern for "Discretion is the better part of valor." Actually, it’s just a nice, complimentary thing to say about weasels.

8. I didn’t know she was my cousin - It’s difficult keeping track of one’s extended family. Especially in the South.

Some Southern phrases, on the other hand, will make no sense whatsoever to a Yankee, and it is a universal law that you should never use a phrase you don’t understand. You will sound like a dork if you do. For example:

1. I’m gonna beat him like a red-headed stepchild - I’ve lived in the South for almost three decades now, and as yet no one has explained to me why red-headed stepchildren should be beaten any differently from, say, blonde-headed stepchildren. Whatever it means, it sounds great when Southerners say it, but when Yankees say it, it sounds stupid.

2. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit - Most Northerners, even those who wouldn’t mind being called biscuits, would not want their butts buttered. Again, to a Yankee this one makes no sense. In fact, thinking about it too long will give you a splitting headache.

3. Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining - One would think this would go without saying. If somebody’s going to pee down somebody else’s back, they shouldn’t confuse the issue with irrelevant comments about the weather. (TV Judge Judy Scheindlin recently published a book called "Don’t Pee On My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining," which many Southerners point to as proof that Northerners are incapable of using Southern phrases correctly.)

4. She’s a hairpin and a cat on wheels - Even Southerners do not understand exactly what this means. You would be forced to memorize it, and at some point in your conversation you would probably draw a blank and say "She’s a ... a ... a clothespin and a dog on cement blocks," which would impress no one.

5. I got to lick my calf over - I’ve heard this several times, and I’ve never been sure if it had to do with livestock or human appendages. Either way, it conjures up visions of hair balls. Yankees should avoid this phrase.
 

6. Dumb as a sack full of hammers - If that were "a sack full of hamsters," it would make perfectly good sense. We’ve owned hamsters, and when it comes to small mammals, I will attest to the fact that a hamster’s IQ is almost nonexistent. A sack full of them could not chew half a stick of gum. When it comes to hand tools, however, a good claw hammer can hold its own, intelligence-wise, with screwdrivers, pliers, socket wrenches, and even wood chisels.

7. Uglier than homemade soup - A Southerner might get away with disparaging remarks about homemade soup, but a Yankee could inadvertently offend the wrong person, and wind up with a ladle "up side his head."

8. Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits - I admire this one. I really do. It’s the kind of nonsensical phrase that falls trippingly off the Southern tongue. But when a Northerner says, "Wilbur, I do believe your Aunt Virginia–fine, upstanding, sophisticated and urbane woman though she may be–is uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits," it just doesn’t work.

If you are a Yankee in Dixie, learn the language, but know your limitations. If you are a non-professional and attempt the more difficult Southern phrases, you could put an eye out. Or somebody could do it for you.