Road Apples
Sept. 8, 2008
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Good grammar is like good goat cheese By Tim Sanders Grammar and spelling, grammar and spelling. Even with the advent of computers equipped with tools to check and correct grammar and spelling, America’s grammar has deteriorated over the past twenty years. If you doubt that, check your e-mail. Winston Churchill once said, "Good grammar is like good goat cheese." I have no idea what he meant by that, but that is because I’m not British. If I were, I’d probably slap my thigh and shout "Blimey! Quite right, jolly good!" and then add something profound about how punctuation is a lot like steak and kidney pie, only with more crust and less pudding.So here’s another grammar column, aimed at helping you, the average non-British American reader, fool people into thinking you’re really smart. Q: Speaking of British, why is it that the British have all of those funny names for car parts? They call the hood the "bonnet," the trunk the "boot," the windshield is the "windscreen," and the muffler is the "silencer." They also call gasoline "petrol," and their drive shaft is a "propeller shaft." What’s wrong with them? A: The British have funny names for almost everything. They eat a dish called "bangers and mash," another called "spotted dick," and yet another called "bubble and squeak" (which not surprisingly, relies heavily on cabbage). There is also "toad in the hole," a tasty amphibian-based breakfast food which you can order in any of London’s popular International House of Griddlecakes and Treacle restaurants. After a fine British meal, ladies often go to the "loo" to adjust their "knickers." Rumor even has it that the Brits call their prime minister "Duckie." Most of these terms came from Shakespeare, who sat around quaffing ale and inventing goofy words in his spare time. Q: I recently read a headline that said "WILDFIRE MUSHROOMS OUT OF CONTROL IN CALIFORNIA." So what are wildfire mushrooms, and how would you control them? A: Technically, that is a scientific question, not a grammatical question. But right off the top of my head I’d say that whatever they are, the best way to control wildfire mushrooms would be with a large can of wildfire mushroom spray. Q: I keep hearing the word "vetted." Can you use it in a sentence? A: Yes I can. "Last week we doctored Momma for her headaches, and yesterday we vetted her tomcat Harold for his own good." Q: How would one use words like "inasmuch" and "wherewithal" in a sentence? A: One what? Q: One person. A: One person would say, "If I was to sit on the beach, wherewithal of that sand in my trunks I couldn’t stand up without them falling off, I’d get myself inasmuch trouble just sitting there when the tide came in." Two or more persons would say "we." Q: The girls in my Oprah Winfrey Literary Club and myself have been reading a fascinating, deeply moving, socially significant book, and I was wondering something. In the sentence "See Spot run." what is the subject? A: In that sentence, the implied subject is "you." Q: I is not a subject! If you was to look at the picture on that page, all you would see is Dick, Jane, Spot and his ball. I isn’t even involved in it. A: Oh, all right then, the subject of that deeply moving, socially significant sentence is "Spot." Q: So how about that sentence on the next page: "Look, Jane, look!"? What’s the subject there, huh? A: Not having seen the picture, I can’t tell you, but my guess would be that the subject involves Spot again. And regardless of what Oprah may tell you, that sentence leaves a lot to be desired. Q: What do you mean? A: To clarify things, the author could just as easily have said: "Look, Jane, look, Spot just done a huge boom-boom on the lawn!" In that sentence the reader would clearly see that the subject was lawn maintenance. Q: TV pundits are always posing the question, "Does this story have legs?" What does "pundit" mean? A: "Pundit" was originally a football term, as in: "With a fourth and thirty-five and the ball on their own three yard line, the Farmington Ferrets’ fine kicker, Leo Dortwanger, pundit out of the end zone." Q: And what about the story having legs? A: If it is a story about a centipede or Jennifer Aniston, the answer is obviously yes. If it is a story about Madeline Albright, Hillary Clinton, or the mechanical bull at Gilley’s, then no, it doesn’t. Q: Last night me and Carl we went to a bar and got to talking politics with this guy in a sports jacket and tie. So Carl he mentioned old Peanut Carter, but only in a very complimentary way, and this guy he got his panties all in a wad and said "I take umbrage" and left. What did he mean when he said he took umbrage? A: It was probably raining out. Umbrage is very useful when dealing with rainage. Q: How about all of those political ads that end with, "I’m so-and-so, and I approve this message?" A: I doubt that the use of the alias "so-and-so" would fool anybody. Q: What I mean is, shouldn’t those politicians say "I approve OF this message?" A: Several federally funded studies have shown that the word "OF" is not cost effective. Q: Did you ever notice how when some politician is scheduled to make an important speech, all of the talking heads on TV will tell you what he needs to say, and what he probably will say, and how he needs to stand while he says it, and then after he makes his speech they’ll tell you what he just said, and what his supporters thought about what he just said, and what his opponents thought about what he just said, and what he should have said and shouldn’t have said, and how the polls say he did, and so on and so forth until you finally decide to become a political activist and set your TV set on fire? A: Now that you mention it, yes. If you e-mail us here at the Post seeking grammatical advice, please use your spell checker ... and wait until after the November election. I am So-and-so Sanders, and I approve this message. |