By Tim Sanders

As Chancellor and CEO of the Cherokee County Mannerly Man Institute, Mr. Mannerly Man is proud to announce that ground will be broken for the new Gaylesville Campus in early October. In keeping with our slogan, "Mastering Manners Matters," only those dressed appropriately will be allowed to attend the ceremony, and they must bring their own beverages. In the meantime, Mr. Mannerly Man will attempt to answer a variety of questions on deportment this week, despite the fact that he himself has never been deported.

Q: Is it proper for me to address you as "Tim," or "Mr. Mannerly Man?" Which would you prefer?

A: Actually, Mr. Mannerly Man would prefer being addressed as "That Good-Looking Dude With The Ferrari," but considering the severe penalties for grand theft auto and the astronomical cost of plastic surgery, we know that will never happen. Let’s not get too formal about this; you may address me as "Mr. Mannerly Man, Your Honor."

Q: Okay then, bonehead, how do you deal with a guy who stands in the checkout line at the grocery store, talking loudly on his cell phone?

A: There are many ways of handling this annoying situation without causing unpleasantness. Mr. Mannerly Man favors surreptitiously slipping a few extra items into the gentleman’s buggy while he’s distracted by his critically important phone call. Don’t go to extremes, but if you can find a box or two of Massengill Disposable Douche with the redesigned nozzle, that will do nicely. You may then attract his attention by inconspicuously tossing a box to the floor and announcing, loudly, "EXCUSE ME SIR, YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR DOUCHE!"

Q: My mother-in-law is a 65-year-old feminist who considers men who open doors for her "sexist." What is the mannerly way of helping her out of the car?

A: Mr. Mannerly Man would suggest simply asking, "Mother dear, may I assist you in exiting the vehicle?" If she declines the offer, you might try slowing down to about 35 mph, reaching past her, opening the passenger’s door and giving her a gentle nudge.

Q: My grandchildren wear their pants with the waistband down around their knees. When I suggest that they purchase either a) smaller trousers, or b) suspenders so as to keep their nasty little hind ends covered, they tell me that I am "disrespecting" them. Was "disrespect" used as a verb when you were young?

A: Mr. Mannerly Man disremembers.

Q: My feelings of hostility, jealousy, and resentment often offend my in-laws. How can I get rid of them once and for all?

A: You should not do anything rash. Getting rid of each and every in-law would be a Herculean task which could take decades. Mr. Mannerly Man feels that divorce is probably your best option, and if that doesn’t work, you might try moving and not leaving a forwarding address.

Q: Why do you keep referring to yourself in the third person, as "Mr. Mannerly Man?"

A: If Mr. Mannerly Man were to call himself "Miss Mannerly Man," that would make no sense.

Q: If there was an elderly lady in your church, and all of the young people called her Miss Iris, despite the fact that she’d been married for forty-seven years, would you correct them, or simply call her Mrs. Whatever and let it go at that.

A: The use of the deceptive term "Miss" when referring to a married Southern woman who is a bit "long in the tooth," is a harmless amenity which cheers her, and reminds her of the good old days when she was young and still on the market. Mr. Mannerly Man finds "Miss Iris" preferable to "Mrs." (particularly when the last name is "Whatever").

Q: My Uncle Newton was exceptionally tidy. He lived alone in an old Victorian mansion, never married and cleaned himself every Saturday. I think that is admirable, don’t you?

A: If he only cleaned himself once a week, that may explain why he never married.
 

Q: My wife she said that a man should always remove his cap when he enters a building and I reminded her of my Aunt Sonia’s funeral last week where almost everybody there had on a cap. She said she hadn’t never seen nothing so unrespectful and I said no they was all nice clean caps except for PawPaw’s John Deere cap which had some gravy stains on it but only because he had lost his new Schlitz Malt Liquor cap at the racetrack. She said that my whole family did not have no manners at all and you couldn’t go by them and I told her that at least we didn’t go around hurling hurtful insults at the newly bereaved and she said all right then she’d just hurl an ashtray at Mr. Newly Bereaved instead which she didn’t do but was only threatening me with it. How do you feel?

A: Thank you for asking. Mr. Mannerly Man feels queasy.

Q: When my brother is wrong about something, and you catch him in a mistake, he never says he’s sorry, he just says "I stand corrected." What does he mean by that, and is he sincere?

A: Mr. Mannerly Man feels that if he’s recently purchased a new pair of orthopedic shoes, he may be sincere. Otherwise, he’s just being a jerk.

Q: Our principal says that children should march single file into the gymnasium and remain standing until everyone is assembled. Is that proper?

A: No. Mr. Mannerly Man feels that parents should assemble their children at home every morning before sending them to school, carefully following assembly instructions provided in the manual.

If you have any questions on etiquette, manners, or deportment, keep them to yourself. We like making up our own questions here at the Institute. It’s safer that way.