By Tim Sanders

Here is an interesting Reuters online news item dated Aug. 17, 2005:

AUTHORS SELL OFF CHARACTER NAMING RIGHTS

How much would you pay to be immortalized as a zombie in a Stephen King novel or a good guy in a John Grisham thriller?

King and Grisham are among 16 authors selling the right to have a character in a book named for the buyer to raise money for the First Amendment Project.
The project is a California-based non-profit group that promotes freedom of information and expression.

The article goes on to explain that details of the auction, which will be held between September 1 and September 25, have been posted on the Internet eBay website. It adds:

King says he is offering the chance to name a character in a novel called CELL, which is to be published in 2006 or 2007.

"Buyer should be aware that CELL is a violent piece of work, which comes complete with zombies set in motion by bad cell phone signals that destroy the human brain," King said.

... King adds that if the buyer wants the character to die, it must be a female name.
 

The article estimates that between $40,000 and $50,000 will be raised among the sixteen authors.

So there it is. Literary immortality for sale on eBay. But as I see it, there are some obvious problems with this auction:

1. It will be very expensive to become immortalized in print. With guys like Stephen King, for example, we’re probably talking at least $5,000.

2. In Stephen King’s new novel, if you want to be killed off, you must be female. Well, dear lady, he could mention you once on page 12, and run you over with a Hummer driven by a cell phone zombie on page 13. You’d be little more than a footnote, never heard from again, and it could cost you a month’s salary.

3. Even if you were fabulously wealthy and had your heart set on literary fame, you could be outbid.

4. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there with your name. I happen to know, for example, that there are at least three guys named Tim Sanders right here in Cherokee County. So a character named Tim Sanders gets bumped off in a John Grisham novel. How do I prove it’s me who was shot in the upper torso defending a lady’s honor, and not some slacker named Sanders from Cincinnati, who never paid a dime and was never hit by a single slug, but still impresses his friends by taking credit for the nine bullet holes which are actually imbedded in my heroic chest, not his?

5. You may not know enough about the First Amendment Project to want to contribute to it. Organizational names can be misleading. (The innocuous sounding Girl Scouts, for example, was not organized to help desperate teenaged boys scour the countryside for female companionship. Quite the contrary, it teaches impressionable females to use martial arts, bows and arrows, and tomahawks to fend off prospective suitors.)

But I am not the kind of journalist who simply complains, and then offers no workable alternatives. Here’s my proposal:

1. I hereby guarantee that, for a measly five bucks I will include your name in an upcoming column. For ten bucks, I’ll mention your name twice, three times for fifteen bucks, etc. For just $100, you can be mentioned twenty times in a single column. That will take some work, but I’m up to the challenge. I’ll squeeze you in there, even if I have to leave out half the punctuation.

2. Unlike Mr. King, I am no sexist. I’ll kill you off if you are male or female, I am not particular. I can kill you off in the first sentence if you desire, or leave you lingering around with a vague sense of doom clouding your brain for four or five paragraphs. You may even choose your means of death. If you would rather survive the column, just say so, and I’ll keep you alive right through the final paragraph. Even if you require life support.

3. You cannot be outbid. If seventy people pony up $5 each, I’ll mention ‘em all in the column. There could be a crowd scene; maybe a Pentecostal revival meeting in Cedar Bluff disrupted when a Methodist uncorks gallon jug full of yellow jackets. I am a trained journalist, and could easily use up seventy names just describing parishioners bailing out of church windows.

4. For your $5, I will include your address and zip code along with your name. Using all of my literary skills, I will work the information subtly into the column:
"Last Monday morning, Durward Norton Bunspackler of 872 Lackluster Lane, Centre, Alabama, 35960, fell into a vat of partially hydrogenated cocoanut and soybean oil. The remains of Mr. Durward Norton Bunspackler, (872 Lackluster Lane, Centre, Alabama, 35960) consisting of 800 eight-oz. tubs of blended French onion dip, will be available for viewing in a refrigerated display case at the local Piggly Wiggly. Burial arrangements will be made after his official expiration date–October 11, 2005." You see, in that case there will be no confusion as to just which Durward Norton Bunspackler I am referring to.
 

5. You will not have to worry about checking out any shady sounding charities. The money I raise will go directly into my pocket, and I will spend it on something very personal and entirely nonpolitical–like a Craftsman Locking Flex Wrench set, or underwear.
 

Incidentally, this document contains about 900 words. If Durward’s full name and address were mentioned just six times, nearly 7 percent of the column would be devoted to his immortality, and all for the paltry sum of $30. I’d like to see Stephen King or John Grisham top that.

[This offer is good until Dec. 31, 2007. Contact me about group rates. Send your name and address, along with a check or money order, to Tim Sanders at the Post, 100 E. Main St., Centre, Al. 35960. Do not send cash; the editor has a gambling problem.]