By Tim Sanders

Here are some fascinating stories. Each teaches a valuable moral lesson, and all contain specific names and dates. Many of the narratives can be found by simply entering a few key words on your Google Internet search engine. The problem is that not all of them are true. Some of them are what we call "urban legends," which, incidentally, are often not urban at all, but suburban, and sometimes even rural. We humorists must sift through these problematical anecdotes to supply ourselves with new material. And unlike political columnists, the truth actually matters to us.

Oh, okay, so I lied. The truth only matters to us when it makes a good story.

And, speaking of truth, which of these do you believe to be true?

1. According to an article in The Age, an Australian newspaper:

An Indian yoga teacher hopes to get into the record books by swallowing fish and blowing them out of his nose. Vijaya Kumar swallowed 509 small fish through his mouth and blew them out of his nose within one hour.

And the Ananova news site adds:

He was inspired by American Kevin Cole who holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow.

Mr. Kumar, of Gunduppalavadi in Tamil Nadu, started experimenting with live fish after successfully ejecting peas and corn through his nose.

He said: "This is a kriya (method) in yoga where the nostrils are purified by swallowing fishes and bringing them out of the nose."

2. Due to the moral lesson involved, and a deep and abiding love for frog legs, we have mentioned this one in previous columns:

According to the July 25, 1996 edition of the Arkansas Democrat & Gazette, Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were injured in a freak accident en route home from a late night frog gigging trip. When the headlight fuse in their pickup truck burned out, they replaced it with a .22 caliber shell from Wallis’s pistol. The fuse box was located under the dash near the steering column. As they approached the White River Bridge, the bullet overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle then left the road and struck a tree. Both men suffered minor injuries, but Poole would need surgery to repair his wound. "Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole’s wife, asked how many frogs the boys caught and did anyone get them from the truck."

3. In a July 27, 2005 AP article, Kathleen Hennessey tells of a brand new cow emissions study by University of California researchers. She says:

In a white, tent-like "bio-bubble" on a farm near Davis, eight pregnant Holsteins are eating, chewing and pooping -- for science.

The article goes on to explain that researcher Frank Mitloehner insists that his research should not be dismissed as "fart science." That label, he says, does not "do justice to the seriousness of his work."

Hennessey explains that the majority of the 3 million cows in California live in the Central Valley, which also has some of the worst air pollution in the country. Mitloehner’s research "will be used to write the state’s first air quality regulations for dairies and could affect regulations nationwide."

4. In an October 1976 Tonight Show interview, Academy Award winning actor Lee Marvin told Johnny Carson that the action which earned him the Purple Heart while serving as a Marine private on Iwo Jima in WWII paled in comparison to the valor of his commanding officer, Bob Keeshan. Keeshan, who later became Captain Kangaroo, braved a barrage of Japanese bullets on February 21, 1945, to rally his men and play a pivotal role in the recapturing of Mount Suribachi. Another kiddies’ TV host and unlikely hero was Fred Rogers, who served as a Navy Seal sniper from 1963 to 1965 in Vietnam, and had more than 25 confirmed kills to his credit. "Fred Rogers was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat. He knew no fear." After the war he became an ordained Presbyterian minister and a pacifist, and always wore a cardigan sweater to cover the many tattoos on his forearms and biceps.

5. Speaking of Mr. Rogers, the PBS star’s actual full name was "Fred McFeely Rogers."
 

Answers:

1. As best as I can determine, the yoga nasal blowfish story is TRUE. I like it because it shows that there is nothing a dedicated, courageous individual with very limited intelligence can’t do, if he puts his tiny mind to it. The transition from peas to corn to small fish must have been difficult. The only thing that would make this story better would be if the yoga instructor were to graduate to catfish. Large ones. "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GOLLY, THE SPINES, THE SPINES!! I AM IN MOST SEVERE AND SERIOUS PAIN!"

2. To my chagrin, I learned, not long ago, that the story of Thurston Poole and his right testicle is most likely NOT TRUE. Apparently the Arkansas Democrat & Gazette has disavowed any responsibility for it. I will never repeat the story in print again, although it does contain valuable lessons about how 1) you should never substitute live ammunition for automobile fuses, and 2) if your last name is Poole, you should never name your child Thurston.

3. According to several reliable sources, including the San Diego Union-Tribune, the cow flatulence study story is TRUE. This story attracted my attention because 1) it bolstered my deeply held conviction that 99% of the nuts in our country fall from trees in California, and 2) it gave me the chance to use the phrase "fart science" in a somber, dignified treatise.

4. NOT TRUE. This Email hoax has been bouncing around for years. It is based on tiny kernels of fact. Lee Marvin was a decorated WWII Marine, but he saw action at Saipan, not Iwo Jima. Bob Keeshan was also a Marine, and while he may have later attained the rank of Captain in the Kangaroo Corps, he was not Marvin’s commanding officer, and in fact saw no combat at all. As for Mr. Rogers, he was never in the military. Rumor has it that once, during a commercial break, Mister Rogers did poke an inebriated Mr. McFeely in the eye with the eraser end of a lead pencil when the Speedy Delivery Postman tried to weigh him on a set of postal scales, stamp his house slippers, and mail him to Croatia, but I have not been able to verify the incident.

5. This one is TRUE, although the legend that Mr. Rogers got his name from a popular local "Speedy Delivery" mailman in his hometown of Latrobe, Pennsylvania, is not. Fred McFeely Rogers was named after his maternal grandfather, Fred McFeely, who owned the McFeely Brick Company in that town.