Road Apples
July 28, 2008

Grammar games

By Tim Sanders

Like many journalists, we feel obliged to write a grammar column from time to time. We will offer two reasons for this: Either 1) because as you climb life’s ladder, your ability to use the English language will doubtless determine your success, or 2) we can’t think of anything else to write about. Take your pick.

Let us begin:

Q: "Let us begin" sounds awfully formal. Isn’t there a better way to start a grammar column?

A: Yes. A few years ago we suggested that the editor preface one of our grammar columns with a tasteful photo of Jessica Lange writhing seductively in King Kong’s massive hand. We thought it would illustrate the difference between a participle and a really huge monkey. The editor refused.


Q: You keep saying "we." Is someone there with you?

A: That is a grammatical device known as the editorial "we." It was once used exclusively by editors with tapeworms, but now many journalists use it because we believe there is safety in numbers.


Q: Which is correct, "Help, I have FELL into a vat of lard," or "Help, I have FALLEN into a vat of lard?"

A: If you are the kind of person who would fall into a vat of lard, you should probably scream "Help, I has done fell into something nasty in this here vat, and it has catfish parts in it." The reference to catfish parts will attract diners to the kitchen to investigate. They’ll be able to extract you from the vat and explain that the bathroom was on the right, not the left.


Q: What is a split infinitive, and which part of speech do you use to successfully, you know, split one?

A: We believe that you did a fine job with the axe you just used.


Q: I read the following sentence in a July 24 news article from Melbourne, Australia: "A pet rabbit has been hailed as a hero after saving a couple from a fire as it swept through their home." Does that sound right to you?

A: No, it certainly does not. For one thing, an Australian pouched rabbit is a highly combustible rodent and would go off like a roman candle if it ventured within ten yards of a kitchen match. For another, the sentence construction is confusing due to a misplaced marsupial clause. The sentence should read: "A pet rabbit, while sweeping through their home and tidying up a bit, saved a couple from a fire by setting off the sprinkler system, dialing the fire department, and then dragging its owners from their bedroom using its tiny but powerful mandibles."


Q: But the article didn’t say anything about sprinkler systems or fire departments, and I don’t believe rabbits even have mandibles. Where did that come from?

A: It is called poetic license. All journalists use poetic license. I just had mine renewed last month.


Q: I told Miss Conroy our English teacher that me and Larry couldn’t take the test because somebody had stole our number 2 lead pencils and she told me I should of used the subjective case. I said what with the kind of people we had in our class a case wouldn’t of done us no good unless there was a padlock on it. Then she said something or other about perfect tents which didn’t make no sense at all and when I said it was unrelevant ’cause I didn’t care for camping she grabbed ahold of her head and said I should hush because she could feel another my grain comming on. So anyhow the test was post poaned until next week and I was wondering where to find one of them pencil cases?

A: Try Office Depot. And that’s pronounced DEE-PO, not DEE-POT.


Q: TV news anchors are always talking about somebody or other using the "N-word." Just what is the "N-word," and why don’t news anchors dare say it?

A: The "N-word" is a word beginning with the letter "N" which is not to be used in normal, everyday discourse. The "N-word" is not "nasal" or "nebulous" or "nocturnal," although theoretically it could be if you wanted to say those words without actually saying them. If you’ll remember, when you were a child there were other initialized words which you were not allowed to use. There was the "S-word" and the "B-word," and even the "P-word." Often your conversations were laced with those initialized words. As in: "WAAAAH, MOMMA! Bobby (sniff) said the S-word ’cause he got a splinter from (sniff) sliding down the bannister an’ then he (sniff) looked at his A-word in the mirror an’ (sniff) said the D-word an’ (sniff) when I laughed he (sniff, sniff) called me the B-word an’ so I told him I was gonna tell!" (Rev. J-word J-word recently used not one, but two entirely different N-words in what for some reason he thought was a private conversation, although he was standing at a lectern in front of a microphone and TV cameras, and sure enough, somebody told on him. Actually, they didn’t have to tell. His microphone was on at the time, and he sort of told on himself. Lots of people were .... uh .... PO’d.)


Q: In my short story called "Jerry and His Bowels," I wrote: "Jerry was referred to a psychiatrist suffering from the screaming meemies." The teacher told me to rewrite the sentence. Why?

A: Your teacher probably considers the phrase "psychiatrist suffering from the screaming meemies" redundant.


Q: If "zero" is spelled with a "z," why are "xylophone" and "xenophobe" spelled with an "x?"

A: "Xylophone" and "xenophobe" are both French words, and the French are physically incapable of pronouncing the letter "x." Oh sure, they throw "x"s into their words willy nilly, but they can’t say them. The wine "Bordeaux," which should be pronounced "Boardy-ox," is pronounced "Board-oh" in France. And then there’s "faux pas," which any rational person would pronounce "fox-paws," but a Frenchman insists on pronouncing "fow-pah." In more civilized regions, like for example the United States, Puerto Rico, and Guam, we never use the letter "x" to indicate the "ZEE" sound. The French cannot even pronounce "Ex-Lax." They call it "Ze-Poupon."


If you have grammar questions, feel free to contact us, by which I mean myself and my tapeworms, here at Grammar Central. By the way, we do not do windows or diagram sentences.

[NOTE: I enjoyed reading Cynthia Causey’s letter in last week’s Post. She was absolutely right about the generous, helpful people here in Cherokee County. And regarding her very kind comment that my columns were an added inducement when she and her family moved here, all I can say is thanks, Cynthia. Others have relocated because of my columns. One gentleman escaped with his family to Fairbanks, Alaska, and another, I believe, is now enjoying a peaceful life in Papua, New Guinea.]