By Tim Sanders

The other day, while I was sitting at the kitchen table pondering a topic for this week’s column, something struck me. It was my wife. More precisely, it was my wife’s index finger, and it struck me on the back of my head. "THWACK!" It was her way of telling me that if I didn’t want to help her in the kitchen, I should go do my pondering at my desk. I dutifully obeyed.

After considerable desk pondering, I decided against an idea which had been bouncing around in my head. It involved a 24-year-old British customs officer named Craig Jex, who recently launched an online dating service for people who normally would have trouble forming meaningful relationships due to irritable bowel syndrome. I decided against the topic because I needed more details, and every time I tried phoning Mr. Jex, who lives with his parents in London, his mother answered the phone and said, "‘e’s still in the bloody loo!" I have no idea what that meant.

So instead I’ve settled on celebrating some of the notable historical events which have occurred during the week of July 22-28.

On JULY 22, 1822, Austrian botanist Gregor Mendel was born. Mendel was famous for discovering that it was nearly impossible to grow garden peas from watermelon vines. His research on heredity provided science’s first clue that if your parents did not have children, chances are that you won’t, either.

JULY 23, 1906, saw the third Pan-American conference convene in Rio de Janeiro. President Theodore Roosevelt attended. To this day, nobody knows why. On JULY 23, 1973, Monica Lewinsky, famed White House physical therapist and connoisseur of fine cigars, was born. Broadcasting news was made on JULY 23, 2006, when Ted Turner’s Cable News Network (CNN) remained on air for a full three hours (8-11 p.m. EST) without once mentioning either Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton. At a news conference the next day Turner apologized and assured distraught viewers that it would never happen again. It hasn’t.

On JULY 24, 1704, the British took Gibraltar. It was several decades before anyone noticed it was missing. The famous aviator Amelia Earhart was born on JULY 24, 1897. When she went missing in 1937, everyone noticed.

On JULY 25, 1814, British engineer George Stephenson first demonstrated his steam locomotive. The engine, used to haul coal, was named–no kidding–Blucher. Unfortunately, it frightened the draft horses at the mine, and was considered a royal waste of money until three years later, when Stephenson finally invented rails.
 

On JULY 26, 1875, Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav "Skippy" Jung was born. I was forced to study Jung in college, and learned that like so many psychologists of his era, Jung was a loon. He spent years developing his theory of the "collective unconscious," and hypothesized endlessly about the universal importance of cockroaches in dreams. In October of 1916 he was able to take a slightly disturbed patient and, using deep, insightful psychobabble, turn him into a blithering lunatic in just one single, forty-minute session. For this and other breakthroughs he was held in high regard by the mental health community. On the practical side, Jung coined the now famous phrases, "Your time is up," "Please pay at the desk on your way out," and "Oh look Miss Semple, a HUGE water bug! HAHAHA!" He also promoted the therapeutic effects of playing word association games with patients. You know:

"What comes to mind when I say the word ‘rutabaga’?"

"Vegetables?"

"No, try again!"

"Uh ... sex?"

"That’s more like it! Now we’re getting somewhere!"

On JULY 27, several critically important events occurred. First, on JULY 27, 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh brought the gift of tobacco to England from the Powhatan Indians in Virginia. His exact words to Queen Elizabeth were not recorded, but historians say that he entered the palace at 7 a.m., and didn’t stop coughing until noon. When the Indians got word of his presentation, they laughed themselves silly. Much later, on JULY 27, 1921, Frederick Banting and Charles Best isolated insulin at the University of Toronto. Fortunately, it escaped. Without their work, my fellow diabetics and I would be injecting ourselves with empty syringes today. And perhaps most importantly, on JULY 27, 1940, Bugs Bunny made his big screen debut in "Wild Hare."

On JULY 28, 1586, Sir Thomas Harriot introduced the potato to Europe. "Potato," he said, "this is Europe. Europe, meet Mr. Potato." It was all very cordial, at least until dinner was served. On JULY 28, 1930, scientists first declared a "global warming crisis" when a temperature of 114 degrees Fahrenheit was recorded in Greensburg, Kentucky. After an early frost in mid-September, another vote was taken and "global cooling" was announced. The debate continued until the height of the Dust Bowl in 1936, when scientists all became distracted by "global dusting."
 

So there you have it. Each day this week gives you something to celebrate. And if you don’t suffer from irritable bowl syndrome, you can celebrate that, too.