Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 15, 2013

Mr. Mannerly Man Ages Gracefully, and Other Lies

Share |

Today, July 15, is Mr. Mannerly Man's birthday. He, which is to say I, is, or am, now 43, and proud of it. My wife, Mrs. Mannerly Man, will fully support my claim to be only 43 because through the years she's had a stubborn habit of remaining two years younger than I. And if I'm only 43, she says that makes her approximately 39. That is how we in the Mannerly Man household do math, and one of us even took half a semester of Algebra in high school.

And speaking of math and lies, please mark your calendars for September 8, when we here at the Gaylesville Mannerly Man Institute's spacious Quonset Stadium will sponsor our annual Invitational Liars' Tournament, in which the very best teams of liars from across the country will compete to see who will win the coveted Big Brown Bag of Bullfeathers Trophy. Last year the lie-offs were won when a team of scrappy used car salesmen from Nebraska lost to a seasoned squad of politicians from Illinois. At least they said they were politicians. This year's contest should be every bit as exciting, since we already have a feisty team of Pakistani telemarketers and a boatload of hardy fishermen from Michigan lined up, with yet another month left before the lie-offs begin.

So, in the interest of promoting healthy competition and creative, mannerly lying, here are a few questions emailed to us by actual readers who need help in the art of the Mannerly Lie:


Q: I read in a July 8 edition of the Crossville (Tennessee) Chronicle that a neighbor and his wife approached a 54-year-old Crossville man, and then the wife asked her husband to go home and fetch her cigarettes. She told the homeowner that she admired his swimming pool, and asked if she could take a swim. He said that would be okay, and she then asked him if he'd mind if she swam in the nude. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, he answered “OH, PLEASE FEEL FREE!” Or something like that. So anyhow, he watched her swim naked, just to make sure she didn't strangle, or get a cramp, or have a seizure or anything. He watched her for twenty minutes, and then when she got out he hurried inside the house and rushed back out with a towel, so she wouldn't shiver and get those nasty goose bumps, bless her heart. It was what any good neighbor would do. She dried off and left, and when he went back inside he noticed that his house had been burglarized. The loss of a handgun, some medication, and jewelry amounted to $1,195. According to the article, “Two suspects have been identified but have not been found by police.” So my question, Mr. Mannerly Man, is this: What would be the kindest, gentlest, most understanding lie for this unnamed gentleman to tell his wife when she asks “Hey, what happened to my jewelry, my Midol, and my Smith and Wesson, moron?”

A: Since he's already spilled the beans to the cops, he has no choice but to tell the truth to his wife. But we would suggest that if the police ask him to come down to the station to pick the neighbor woman out from a lineup of wet, naked ladies, he should tell them he's just recently been hit by that darned baseball bat the burglar left in his wife's closet, and is now blind as a mole.


Q: I read a UPI article by a lady name of Veronica Linares, and she told about the annual Kids' State Dinner which they have every year. At the White House, which was aten on July 9. I think it is a dinner where kids all over the country turn in recipes for really healthful and nutrified veggie meals which will be what all children will have to eat when we run out of food stamps. The winners from all 54 states get to go to the White House and eat things like stewed cabbage and boiled okra. So anyhow, one of the kids ast the president what was his favorite food, and he says “BROCCOLI!” Then there was this awful food fight, so the president he left to go to Outback Steak House. Then the article said everybody is calling this Broccoligate, and maybe Congress ort to look in to it. Then it said this was the same president who complained about the price of arugula at someplace called Whole Foods in 2008. So I ast Momma what was an arugula, and she said it was a huge, octopus looking thing with big, hairy testacles and if I had seen one I ort to tell Daddy to go get his four-ten and kill it before it layed any eggs. Either that or she could kill it with a brick. Once, when I was five, Momma, she kilt a big old roach bug with a brick and it worked fine. And also I think a four-ten would leave a hole in the line olleum. Once Daddy he shot at a cat climbing up the screen door and–

A: Is there a manners question in there somewhere?


Q: Yes. Since the president can get them White House cooks to fix any food he wants, and since he don't mind spending hundreds of millions of dollars on vacations, would it of hurt for him to lie to the children and tell them his favorite food was main lobster, or wreck of lamb, or them fancy cavvy are raw fish eggs like the movie actors and Russians all eat so much of? You know, to give the kids something to look forward to whenever they grow up to be presidents?

A: Presidents do not call their lies, lies. They misrepresent things sometimes, and mislead the public, and make misstatements, and even engage in creative hyperbole and slight exaggerations, but they do not ever lie, exactly. The president was only trying to make broccoli sound like a good thing in case the economy was to really collapse and the children were forced to subsist on broccoli and water diets.


And more to the point, he did not want to make Michelle angry. She loves broccoli, and rumor has it she keeps a 38-ounce Louisville Slugger in her closet.