By Tim Sanders

Sometimes it may be tempting to despair because nothing really bizarre ever happens in Alabama. Oh sure, you can point to that goofy 23-year-old who actually hollered "Watch this!" and then plunged 150 feet into DeSoto Falls in mid-April, but he was from Trion, Georgia; not even a real Alabamian. Besides, this is June, and unless you count the primaries, precious little weirdness has occurred since that fateful leap.

Well, all is not lost. Last week, an interesting AP news flash appeared on our Post website. The headline read "Daphne woman hit by lightning while praying for family in storm." This immediately caught my eye because I thought "Daphne woman" was an odd way of referring to a woman named Daphne. I almost never call my wife "Marilyn woman," after all. Of course I would soon learn that the woman’s name was actually Clara Jean Brown, not Daphne. She only lived in the little town of Daphne on Mobile Bay’s eastern shore.

Here is just a tantalizing bit of that 5/30/2006 story:

DAPHNE, Ala. (AP) - Worried about the safety of her family during a stormy Memorial Day trip to the beach, Clara Jean Brown stood in her kitchen and prayed for their safe return as a strong thunderstorm raged through Baldwin County.

Suddenly, lightning exploded, blowing through the linoleum and leaving a pockmarked area on the concrete. Brown wound up on the floor, dazed and disoriented by the blast but otherwise uninjured.

... Pieces of concrete were scattered throughout the family’s kitchen–ruining day-old brownies sitting on the stove.

The article said that since her husband, James Brown (the hardest working man in Daphne), had gone to the store, and her son and his family were at the beach, Mrs. Brown was home alone when the storm unleashed its fury. The lightning bolt most likely struck across the street and entered the Brown house through a water line, continuing into their backyard, where it left a small trench. That was all very interesting, but I was particularly intrigued by one line, which read:

"I said ‘Amen,’ and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire," she [Mrs. Brown] said. "I’m blessed to be alive."

There you have it. "Amen." KAAPOW! Coincidence? Some will say there are no coincidences.

Perhaps it is a cautionary tale, with no real moral. It obviously raises several questions about prayer which I will mention here, but would never attempt to answer:

1. Had Mrs. Brown been pestering God with too many trivial requests, and was this simply His way of telling Clara Jean to be quiet and give somebody else a chance?

2. Could it be that there was just something really irritating about Mrs. Brown’s voice? Perhaps she had a low, grating growl like Carol Channing, or a severe nasal twang like nanny Fran Drescher.

3. Did it have something to do with how Mrs. Brown worded her prayer? Was she a bit too specific? Maybe she said something along the lines of, "Oh Lord, I wouldst ask thee to protect that portion of the Brown family which even now doth sitteth like so many innocent sheep on the beach during this hellish thunderstorm, and I further beseech thee to send thine angels to encompass their beach umbrellas on all sides to guard them from lightning, which statistics show killeth more people along the Gulf Coast each summer than dost sharks, rip tides, and bad oysters combined. Amen."

If that were the case, you can see where too much specificity may have been Mrs. Brown’s undoing. After all, as per her request, her son and his family, who were sitting on the beach eating bad oysters like so many innocent sheep, were not struck by lightning. She was.

4. Or could it be that there was a lightning bolt in the upper atmosphere all wrapped up and ready for delivery, addressed to "Brown family, Daphne, Alabama?" Did God in His infinite mercy graciously smite Mrs. Brown’s kitchen rather than her son’s beach umbrella, knowing that, statistically, Mrs. Brown, high and dry in her kitchen, stood a much better chance of surviving than her son, sitting on the beach in his wet swimming trunks, foolishly waving that stainless steel oyster spoon in the air?

5. Could there possibly have been an earlier prayer involved, imploring God to PULEEEZE, if it wert His will, speak to her husband about that leaking water line under the house?

6. Or could the Lord have been expressing displeasure with Clara Jean’s brownie recipe (NOT ENOUGH WALNUTS, TOO MUCH RUM)? Does the Almighty have a sense of humor?

7. Is it possible that praying during an electrical storm is every bit as dangerous as using the phone?

8. Since she was married to a man named James Brown, couldn’t Clara Jean simply have said "I feel good, like I knew I would, now," instead of "I’m blessed?"

9. Speaking of "blessed," is a near miss by a lightning bolt which scatters pieces of concrete and day-old brownies around the kitchen and leaves you dazed and incoherent a blessing? If it is a blessing, wouldn’t it have been just as easy for God to bless that bunch of loonies next door, with their four cars on blocks in the yard, and those stinking nine tomcats that serenade you outside your bedroom window every night? Hey, loonies have water lines, too.

10. What denomination is Mrs. Brown? Scientific research might just reveal that Episcopalians are eight times as likely to attract lightning as are Baptists. This would be valuable information for prospective bridegrooms, insurance agents, and even for golfers getting foursomes together.

11. Or is it just Mrs. Brown, not her particular denomination, who’s the lightning magnet? If so, would it be wise for her church to give the lady her own special pew? Perhaps in a Sunday School classroom, far away from the rest of the congregation ... and the water lines?

Although I am fully aware that without a lot of prayer I never would have graduated from college, the mechanics of prayer still confuse me. I do know that until further research is done, I will refrain from praying during electrical storms.