By Tim Sanders

It never fails; people are always giving advice to graduates. Again this year crowds of restless, hormonally-charged seniors wearing mortarboards and carrying trowels under their gowns will gather in large auditoriums or football stadiums while wizened fossils from the Paleolithic era offer inspirational, soaring exhortations which the graduates will not hear because of the death metal music screeching through their iPod earphones.

What graduates want is something they can use. When I graduated from high school during the Dark Ages, my dad gave me something useful; something I could take to the bank. It was a nice, crisp five dollar bill.

"Spend this wisely, son," he said. "Invest in GM stock, put a portion into municipal bonds, and deposit some in a savings account for your education. Keep out a small amount of cash in case you wish to purchase food, because there’ll be no more free lunches around here."

Good old Dad. I took that five-dollar bill, bought 15 gallons of gas and invested the rest in my education. Two very stimulating and educational movies, "Motor Psycho" and "Planet of the Vampires," were playing at the drive-in, and I took a few buddies along as sort of a study group. In those days thrifty teenagers often saved money at drive-ins by packing three or four of their friends into their trunks. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if someday someone were to find a 1962 Chevy Impala in a remote junkyard with three bearded 60-year-olds wearing stovepipe jeans and Beatle boots still crammed into the trunk, wondering just when the feature was going to start, and what happened to DeWayne, anyway?

But that is material for another column. This one involves advice which just might do graduates some good. Unlike other advice-givers, I will make mine specific. I will not give any advice to the young ladies graduating. I have been married for 38 years and still do not understand women at all, so there is nothing I could tell them that would make any sense. No, this is for you young men. This has to do with only one aspect of your post high school lives, but a very important one–the job interview. Within the next 20 years, many of you will have either graduated from college or left home in pursuit of gainful employment. That is what your parents are praying for, anyway. Here are some helpful tips you can use in that first job interview:

DEPORTMENT - You graduating seniors may have never encountered this word before, but yes, it is "deportment," not "department." Believe it or not, many countries actually have Departments of Deportment, which are also known as Departments of Protocol. A "department" refers to a sphere of interest, as in "Labor Department," "Defense Department," and "Shoe Department." Your "deportment," on the other hand, would determine whether flapping your arms and crowing like a rooster was the most effective way of attracting the salesgirl’s attention in the Shoe Department at Sears (HINT: It works). If you plan to visit a personnel department and apply for work, study these examples of correct and incorrect deportment:
 

1. WRONG -

PERSONNEL MANAGER: "Mr. Snits, the Wheedle Corporatin is looking for experts in digital technology. What qualifications do you bring to the table?"
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE (spitting tobacco juice into waste can and blowing nose on sleeve): "I didn’t bring nothing to the table with me ’cept for this here digital watch and a Twinkie, but I got me a whole lot of video games at home."
 

2. RIGHT -

PERSONNEL MANAGER: "Mr. Snits, the Wheedle Corporation is looking for experts in digital technology. What qualifications do you bring to the table?"
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE (spitting tobacco juice into waste can and blowing nose on sleeve): "Momma she says I should tell Mr. Hotshot Personnel Man that if he wuz to hire me, I could afford to move out and you and her could fumigate my room and use it for storage, Daddy!"

Here is some crucial information about proper job interview appearance:
 

PANTS - Research has shown that young men applying for work wearing only cotton briefs, a shirt and sports jacket are 93% less likely to be hired than those also wearing pants. It may sound silly, but you need to know how much that little extra effort pays off. Although in his 20 years sitting behind the CBS evening news desk, Walter Cronkite never wore trousers, in today’s more competitive environment, professionals who show up for work without pants are seldom held in high esteem by their peers,
 

SHOES - A wise man once said that he could tell all he needed to know about an individual by looking at his shoes. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a wise man, only a short one. Perhaps it was Danny DeVito. The point is, unless you plan to work modeling Dr. Scholl’s latex corn pads, shoes are almost as important as pants when it comes to job interviews. Remember to buy shoes in pairs, and make sure they match before leaving the store. There is nothing more disconcerting than to dress for a job interview only to find that some unscrupulous salesperson has slipped you a box containing an exotic $325 Italian eel skin loafer for your left foot and a $6 plastic beach sandal for your right.
 

SOCKS - Optional, depending on length of pants.

HAIR - Again, optional. If you have any, you should wash it every year. Wait until late Spring, when the weather is warm, to avoid pneumonia. You might also want to purchase some hair gel. There are several affordable brands available. Remember that regardless of what your grandfather may have told you, lard attracts fruit flies. If you are one of those graduates who was held back a few times and already has a hairpiece, you can easily remove it, run it through the wash cycle, and dry it in your clothes dryer. Drying it on the highest heat setting will give it more body. This is what Don King recommends (he’s actually bald as a jug). Remember, however, that if your wig is synthetic, the Don King method will melt it. Read your cleaning instructions, which should be on a little tag inside your toupee.

TEETH - If you have teeth, try not to pick them during the job interview. Just to make sure your teeth are presentable, you may want to ask the interviewer whether or not he sees anything stuck between them. If he does, then you can turn toward the wall and discreetly remove it. If they are free of debris, he will still appreciate your interest in personal hygiene.

I hope all of this has been helpful. If you follow these practical suggestions, one day you graduates may find yourselves heading large corporations or holding high political office, at least until you are indicted. If not, you could wind up wasting your time sitting alone in your underwear and mismatched shoes at a keyboard, composing newspaper columns like this one.