Road Apples
April 14, 2008
Ask Mr. Mannerly Man, installment No. 83 By Tim Sanders It is time for another exciting installment of Ask Mr. Mannerly Man, which due to popular demand has been installed this week with a mute button. We must mention, modestly of course, that all three remaining major presidential candidates have contacted us here at the Mannerly Man Institute for help in drafting appropriate apologies for a) offensive things they may or may not have said in the past, b) friendships with lobbyists, lunatics, and felons they may have had in the past, and c) lies they may have inadvertently uttered in defense of a) and b). So far, we’ve supplied the three campaigns with 46 "misspokens," 53 "mischaracterizations," and 198 "move ons." None of the campaigns has paid us yet, but we are not worried, because we have faith in our elected officials. If you can’t trust three United States Senators, just who can you trust? ... Okay, you’ve given that enough thought. Let’s move on. I feel it is incumbent upon us to proceed without further adieu and answer the many etiquette questions we would receive here at the Institute on a regular basis if we only had a telephone or a mailbox.
A: No, you mischaracterized my statement. Or perhaps I misspoke. Or hey, how about if we just move on, huh? (To our knowledge–and we want to make this perfectly clear–we have never actually had an incumbent upon us. We would have noticed.)
A: This is a column on manners and etiquette, and we feel it doesn’t hurt to use the sophisticated French spelling whenever we can. It adds a certain amount of style. You know, salve warfare.
A: Uh ... we.
A: You betcha. "We" is French for "yes." Q: I am always confused about just how much to tip when I dine at one of our finer restaurants. Can you help me? A: The word "TIP" is an acronym for the old phrase "To Insure something or other beginning with a P." Mr. Mannerly Man advises you to tip whatever you think is appropriate, depending on the quality of service you’ve received. If, for example, your food handler has his cap on straight, and remembers to ask you if you want fries with your order, then there’s certainly nothing wrong with giving him a dime. At your more prestigious eateries, where your waiter or waitress has the added burden of navigating to your vehicle on roller skates, a whole quarter is not out of line.
My question is, when they have the church wedding (she always has church weddings) and the preacher says the part about if anyone can show just cause why them two ought not to be awfully joined then he had better speak up now or forever hold his piece, going once, going twice, and so on, should I raise my hand, stand up, or just kind of slip up beside Rev. Birdwell and hand him a note? Which is proper? A: While any of those alternatives would be appropriate under normal
circumstances, you must remember who you are dealing with. Given your
description of your sister, and given the fact that Brillo pads and
turpentine are still available at local department stores, Mr. Mannerly Man
would advise you to make an anonymous phone call to Leo before the nuptials,
while he still has a chance to disentangle himself from Erma. Disguise your
voice, and do not give your name. Q: I was at my cousin Kyle’s funeral last week, and enjoyed most of it. But Jack Leppler he sung the special music, which was "Come Thou Fountain Never a Blessing," and when he come to that line which says "Here I raise mine Ebenezer," I swear I seen Kyle move. He didn’t raise his Ebenezer, but his finger twitched and his right eyebrow come up. I was in the second row, and could see him real good. I told Momma, and she told me to hush, so I didn’t say nothing else. Should I have mentioned it to one of the undertakers, so they could of rechecked him, or should I have checked him myself, with one of Momma’s hat pins? What if it happens again at some other funeral?
A: Well then, the next time you notice activity in the coffin, Mr. Mannerly Man would advise you to voice your concerns, ever so discreetly, to the next of kin as soon as the festivities are over.
A: To save time, find a small child, tell him he’ll get a nice prize if he can grab the pretty dentures, and lower him into the tank headfirst.
By which we mean ah reservoir. |