By Tim Sanders

There is nothing like answering grammar questions to make a journalist feel fulfilled and satisfied. Just last week a reader called to tell me he’d been watching the local weather forecast, and he needed to know the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny." He said those two terms were driving him mad, and causing the steel plate in his head to vibrate. I told him that a partly cloudy day was only partly cloudy, and mostly sunny, while a partly sunny day was only partly sunny, and mostly cloudy. Then I modestly added that while my answer might have been partly right, it might also have been mostly wrong. Or vice versa. This excited him. He told me that he’d really like to thank me in person just as soon as he stopped vibrating, and I told him that wouldn’t be necessary. He insisted that yes, indeed it would be necessary, and said he knew where I lived. He asked if I had hospitalization and homeowners’ insurance. Then he said he had to go feed his muskrat and oil his chainsaw. He hung up before I could catch his name. He probably wants to bring me a gift.

In what remains of this column, we’ll attempt to answer your questions on grammar with all the expertise at our disposal, which is a whole lot. With good grammar behind you, and the Weather Channel in front of you, you will never have to fear the storms that life may bring your way.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate.

Q: What is a metaphor?

A: The metaphor was invented in 1965 so that more college English majors could graduate before age forty.

Q: Could you explain?

A: Yes. An English major can answer almost any question using the term "metaphor." As in:

PROF. LEMMING: What is the significance of the Mississippi River in "Huckleberry Finn?"

TODD: It is a metaphor for life itself.

PROF. LEMMING: Excellent, Todd. I guess you’ll be graduating next week along with the others.

Of course, an engineering major could never get away with the old metaphor maneuver:

PROF. SEIDLITZ: What is the logarithmic cosine of 8.725, in Celsius, extrapolated to the fourteenth integer on a declining, holistic scale?

TODD’S YOUNGER BROTHER, JUDD: It is a metaphor for life itself.
PROF. SEIDLITZ: You bonehead, what makes you think you’ll ever earn an engineering degree with goofy answers like that?

JUDD: My brother used it all the time, and he graduated in just seven years.
 

Q: Does that mean that people who are not English majors should stay away from metaphors?

A: It’s been said that a man without a metaphor is an octopus without a testicle, but I feel that a metaphor in the wrong hands is often the straw that stops the camel’s clock cold in its tracks.
 

Q: When I told my grandpa he was out of shape and should go to the health club with me, he said "I ain't going to no health club, Leon, but I admire your spizzerinctum." Where is my spizzerinctum, and ort he to talk that way in front of the children?

A: This is a grammar column, not a medical column, but if your spizzerinctum is where we think it is, it would probably be best for you to leave your grandpa at home. Preferably somebody else's home.

Q: What do "whereas," "therefore," and "hereby" mean?

A: All three are purely ornamental words which sound impressive in official legal documents, but are never used in everyday conversation.

Q: Could you give an example?

A: Yes. According to a February 26, 2008 posting on the Chattanoogan.com web site, the city of Chattanooga, Tennessee sent a truckload of bottled water to the Georgia Legislature on Wednesday, February 27. Mayor Ron Littlefield officially proclaimed that day as "Give our Georgia Friends a Drink Day." This proclamation was in response to the recent joint resolution in the Georgia Legislature seeking to reposition the boundary between Georgia and Tennessee so that the population of Atlanta and her suburbs would have access to the Tennessee River’s water supply. I read that proclamation, and it was as good as any proclamation I’ve ever read, even with those six capitalized "WHEREASES" followed by a "therefore" and a "hereby."

Q: So why couldn’t you use those ornamental words in normal conversation?

A: Well, let’s see: "Whereas you dropped our lunch into the bait can, Willard, and whereas you got Cheez Whiz all over our nightcrawlers, therefore I’m hereby cranking up the old Evinrude and we’re heading for the boat ramp! Oh yeah, and there’s a hole in our hull, INASMUCH!"

Q: Inasmuch? What does that mean?

A: It means that inasmuch deep water as they’re in, they’d better hope the Evinrude starts. I could have thrown in a "heretofore" and an "aforementioned," but those are highly serious legal terms, and there would be an extra charge.

Q: I am writing a poem about a morbidly obese movie producer who is snowbound in a Colorado mountain cabin for 43 days with nothing to eat but two eight-ounce cans of beef stew. Due to his vast fat reserves, he survives and returns to Hollywood, a better man for the experience. Can you help me find a rhyme for "Moore?"

A: As in "Michael Moore?"

Q: As in "Dinty."

A: In that case, no.

Q: I swear I found this quote offered by President Bush on January 4, 2008. It was a comment on the Middle East peace process: "I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands." Could you diagram that sentence for me?

A: Not without giving myself a hernia. Nor could I diagram this sentence from a campaign speech in Nashua, New Hampshire on January 27, 2000. It is one of my favorite Bushisms, and if it isn’t an exact quote, it’s close: "I know how difficult it is for you to put food on your family." I like the notion of putting food on your family, especially when gravy and wriggling grandparents are involved. I admire President Bush’s continuing struggle with the language, and feel that grammarians the world over owe him a great debt.

Q: Could you give me just one more Bushism?

A: Yes. On October 18, 2000, Bush told an enthusiastic LaCrosse, Wisconsin crowd: "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

On that inspired note we close the verbal trap door which is our column. We can only hope that this little session will help strengthen the bondage between myself and yours. Yourself, I mean.