CENTRE SOFTBALL COMPLEX — La Cabana’s El Aces Loaded battled the elements and a general lack of common sense Tuesday to finish 1-1 for the night in the team’s first doubleheader of the season. 

In the first of two games that should never have been played, a suspected group of ringers wearing Cherokee Electric Cooperative uniforms used their years of experience operating in monsoon-type conditions to electrocute the Aces 22-1. 

“If we’d been working in this instead of playing softball, we’d probably have been getting paid double-time,” said one drenched Cherokee Electric player after administering one of the nine most embarrassing defeats in Aces Loaded history. 

(Note: The team's all-time won-loss record is 9-9.) 

The Aces failed to play solid offense for the first time this season, as first baseman Bill Hawkins pointed out in between repeated third strike foul tips by the handful of his teammates who bothered to show up. 

“But we made up for it by playing lousy on defense, too,” Hawkins said. “I honestly think some of the guys are wearing their gloves on the wrong hands.” 

Cherokee Electric peppered the three-man outfield all through the mercy rule-shortened game, scoring 10 runs in the first and another 12 by the end of the third.  

“Holy crap,” Aces Loaded coach Kevin Turner would surely have remonstrated if he wasn’t 600 miles away on the Gulf Coast for the third time this summer. 

In the second game, thanks in part to the addition of a pick-up player from another team whose wife is a school teacher and doesn’t want his name mentioned in this article for fear of community-wide embarrassment, the Aces ran their record to 3-1 on the season with an 11-8 win over the Misfits. 

In spite of the apparent lack of anyone in authority who realized that playing softball in a driving rainstorm was a terrible idea, the Aces bats came alive in their second soggy game of the evening. 

Even after the Aces Loaded bookkeeper slipped in a puddle and busted his the-profanity-we-printed-in-the-last-article and Randall Davis accidentally slung his soaking wet bat into the Misfit cheering section (she was uninjured), the game continued. 

“I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite a while,” said the groundskeeper. “I’d keep playing.” 

And so they did. 

The teams swapped the lead throughout the game, with the Aces taking a 11-7 into the top of the seventh. After giving up one run, the Aces defense fought through a bases loaded situation and turned a double play on the final Misfits at-bat to win. 

“Wow, you guys really play lousy when I’m not here,” said Clint Allen, who showed up in time for game 2 but did not get to play in the early contest because “Joy said so.” 

Clay Alexander also made his 2009 debut for the Aces, at catcher. He was involved in a dramatic play at the plate in the fourth inning that saved a run and ended a potential Misfits rally. 

“Was I out?” Alexander asked on his way back to the dugout. 

“Clay, we were on defense,” explained bat girl Liz Whitten, who is way more knowledgeable about the game than Alexander, apparently.  

Shane Givens, who robbed himself of an inside-the-park homerun in the fifth inning because he lollygagged to first base after a crushing shot to left field, was still awarded the Game Sombrero. 

“It was either him or the umpire for finding that bag of Stay-Dry we used in the batter’s box,” said shortstop Sean Edwards, who ran his streak of not getting into a shouting match with members of the opposing team to one.

The Aces play Noah Baptist Church July 30 at 6 p.m. The second game of that night's doubleheader against H. Rochester Farms has been postponed so the team can attend the wrestling matches at Funtime Skating Rink.

First bell rings at 7:30 p.m. Tommy "Wildfire" Rich is going to be there. Y'all come.

Note: Surprisingly, Thursday night's games were cancelled due to excessive rainfall. (Imagine that.) The Aces Loaded play archrival David's Appliance on Tuesday, Aug. 4, at 6 p.m.

GAME THREE: Aces Loaded-20, David's Appliance-5
July 23, 2009

Aces Loaded receive heckling, give mercy

CENTRE SOFTBALL COMPLEX — In what will surely prove to be a short-lived winning streak, the La Cabana El Aces Loaded ran their record in the Cherokee Adult Softball League (www.cherokee-asl.com)  to 2-0 with a 20-5 pounding of David's Appliance on July 23.

The win also marked the first time in team history that the Aces were on the happy end of a mercy rule outcome.

The quickly-developing rivalry between the teams began earlier this month, when the Aces squeaked out a 13-9 win. Several members of David's Appliance swore revenge – or simply swore – during pre-game warm-ups Thursday night, but in the end their vicious words were flattened by the righteous bats of the Aces.

As has become typical for the Aces this season, they spotted their opponent several runs immediately. An impromptu fielding clinic put on by shortstop Jake Graves and pitcher Scott Wright was another early highlight. An equally dismal offensive performance left the Aces behind 4-0 after one inning.

“Holy crap,” coach Kevin Turner would certainly have expostulated if he had bothered to show up before the fourth inning.

Second baseman Kevin Green – who, thankfully, did not have to field any fly balls – brought his Coke bottle glasses ... and his Boom Stick. Green's plate prowess sparked a rally in the bottom of the second that the Aces parlayed into 20 runs over the next four innings.

Green finished the game 3-for-4 and was awarded the Game Sombrero, which is entirely too small for his massive head.

Recent free agent pick-up Adrian Bouchillon – by far the closest thing to an actual athlete to ever don an Aces Loaded uniform – was apparently offended early on by the team's laid-back attitude.

“Why don't you clowns join the circus,” Bouchillon shouted to Bill Hawkins as he entertained both season ticket holders with his handkerchief-juggling routine. “You'd all fit right in with these ridiculous uniforms.”

Aces veteran Randall Davis also made his 2009 debut, playing in the outfield. He snagged the only fly ball that came his way, but swung the bat like a blind lumberjack all night and contributed little else to the team's otherwise dominating performance. His first three appearances at the plate resulted in fly balls to the infield; the last one came back down with ice on it.

Thankfully, his young son Tripp was not in attendance to witness the spectacle.

Alleged outfielder Jared Cambron and "other bald guy" Jason Payne combined for a nice play at the plate in the third inning that ended a potential rally by David's Appliance. Additionally, Payne, who took over behind the plate for the Aces, successfully completed every single throw back to the pitcher's mound for the whole, entire game.

“It was a nice change of pace,” the pitcher said. “It certainly isn't something I am used to from the tire tread we had back there last time.”

Speaking of Shane Givens, the team's unofficial mouthpiece was uncharacteristically (not) boastful after the win.

“We came to kick ass and chew bubblegum,” said Givens, who attends church services regularly. “And we were all out of bubblegum.”

(Author's note: Givens has got a million of them, folks. Hang out with him for a week and you will hear every, single one. Twice.)

A spokesman for David's Appliance, who spoke with this reporter on condition of anonymity, pledged that his team would not forget the excessive mouthiness from Givens.

"On Aug. 4, we're gonna give those dipsticks the spin cycle," the spokesman said. "And then on Aug. 13 we will hang them out to dry."

GAME TWO: Aces Loaded-19, H. Rochester Farms-18
July 21, 2009

Aces load bases, win squeaker 19-18

CENTRE SOFTBALL COMPLEX — La Cabana’s El Aces Loaded overcame a 10-run first inning deficit to win its second game of the season Tuesday night, defeating H. Rochester Farms 19-18 in a four inning nail-biter. 

A four-run first inning brought a smattering of applause from the half-dozen or so Aces Loaded fans in attendance. However, whether they went for concessions or became distracted by the shiny sequins on the decorative sombrero hanging from the dugout fence, not a peep was heard from the bleachers as the Aces gave up 14 runs in the bottom of the first. 

“Alright boys, we’ve got ‘em right where we want ‘em now,” shouted an apparently delirious Brandon Betterton from the third base coach’s box as the deflated Aces Loaded defense returned to the dugout after a thorough shelling. 

But his idiotic words would prove prophetic. 

Bolstered by recent free agent signees Jason Payne and Jared Cambron, Aces Loaded veterans Sean Edwards, Scott Pruitt and Shane Givens (who has apparently agreed to accept select items from former teammate Jason Langely's vast muscle shirt collection in lieu of cash payment for legal services) kept the bases full of Aces for the next two innings. 

Second baseman Kevin Green, who struck out in his first at-bat and almost had his jaw relocated by a misplayed grounder in the bottom of the second, made up for both grade-school blunders with his next at-bat. His towering shot to left field cleared the bases and began an offensive rally that he and his teammates sustained throughout the game.  

Green finished the game with seven RBIs and was named co-recipient of the Game Sombrero. 

In the top of the third, right fielder Payne almost killed several bystanders when his high (high, high, high) throw to third base missed … everything.

Rookies Brad Jacoway and Cambron also collided in the outfield once. It was pretty funny. 

In the bottom of the same inning, Jacoway redeemed himself with a shot down the first base line that began a four-run rally. Cambron, on the other hand, was the only Ace who had to take a bathroom break during the game. 

Coach Kevin Turner was typically apoplectic. 

“Darnit, people!” Turner shouted when Cambron returned to the dugout still fiddling with his zipper. “There’s no ‘pee’ in T-E-A-M!” 

Time ran short as the two teams traded runs through fourth (and ultimately final) inning. The Aces took the field with 3 minutes remaining and nursing a precarious 19-17 lead.

Two hits and a walk loaded the bases. There was one out. 

Rochester Farms managed to score a run before third baseman Edwards, who missed the team’s first game for reasons he has yet to adequately explain, turned a double play to seal the one-run victory. 

On the basis of that play – and the fact that he has an extremely short fuse most of the time – Edwards was also named co-winner of the Gamer Sombrero. Green wasn’t very happy about sharing the award, but no one else really cared. 

Graves, who played left field and did not drop any fly balls for the second game in a row (a personal best), was ecstatic after the win. 

“Cool,” he said, to no one in particular. 

Local attorney Bill Hawkins, who took a break from suing little old ladies for their Social Security checks for long enough to play first base, was even happier. 

“At least now we can’t lose them all.” 

GAME ONE: Aces Loaded-13, David's Appliance-9
July 16, 2009

Aces Loaded fill up win column; former teammate's debut a debacle

CENTRE SOFTBALL COMPLEX — Select members of La Cabana’s El Aces Loaded took the field amidst swirling clouds of red dust and general apathy Thursday, July 16 and, with great skill and determination – and a slight assist from a 20-year-old softball-playing cyborg – eked out a 13-9 win over division opponent David’s Appliance in the first game of the 2009 season.

Aces Loaded opened the scoring in the bottom of the first with two runs. A few minutes later, despite the superior pitching of Scott “Cheese Dip” Wright, David’s Appliance managed to tie the game. 

Coach Kevin “T-Bone Mexicano” Turner did not react well to the team’s third inning slip. 

“You people suck,” Turner was heard to mutter under his breath as he hobbled back to the dugout on his good knee. “I wish I was at home watching reruns of ‘Deadliest Catch’.” 

Speaking of deadly catches, outfielders Jake “Pollo Don Peppin” Graves and Clint “Potato Fajita” Allen were perfect in the field for the Aces, snagging several deep shots in the early innings that kept David’s Appliance from permanently capitalizing on their opponents' general laziness and total lack of speed on the bases. 

The teams traded the lead until the bottom of the fourth, when Graves clobbered an ill-advised float ball from the opposing pitcher. Graves’s stand-up triple cleaned off two base runners and gave Aces Loaded a lead that the team did not relinquish, despite several concerted attempts to give it all away. 

Members of the Centre Softball Complex grounds crew later determined that a section of the left field fence may have to be replaced because of the damage inflicted by the line-drive from Graves, who has been working out for several days.  

Clean-up work in the late innings included a miraculous back-handed grab by shortstop Scott “How’d That Get in There” Pruitt and several (understatement alert) crisp tosses to first base by recent Cherokee County High School graduate Jacob Morgan – who should probably be returning punts in the NFL instead of mopping up behind a bunch of over-the-hill never-weres.

First baseman Bill “Speedy Gonzales” Hawkins also deserves a mention for knocking down all the bullets Morgan fired in his direction. Local EMT crews have been notified to be on standby in case Morgan plays with Aces Loaded again, however, because we all know Bill’s luck never lasts for very long. 

Graves, named the player of the game by his teammates, was awarded the “Game Sombrero,” which he will wear during warm-ups for the team’s next opponent. 

“I’m not really sure having to wear this stupid hat is much of an incentive to play well,” Graves said in a post-game interview. “I look like one of the Three Amigos.” 

“Yeah, he looks like Lucky Day,” exclaimed teammate Kevin “Free Chips ‘N Salsa” Green, who is a complete cheapskate. "Hey, that's funny! Lucky Day. Ha!"

Green was referring to the character played by Steve Martin in the 1986 movie. He added: “I really don’t think Graves will have to worry about having to wear the sombrero again. I’m pretty sure he had his eyes closed when he was swinging at that pitch – probably on the fly balls, too.” 

“He totally ice cream-coned the second one,” softball fan Kelly Turner confirmed with a giggle. 

“Ooooo! Ice cream!” screamed Aces Loaded fanatic Joy Allen, who is with child. Again.